BEYOND SHYNESS Read online

  Often, the quality of your relationship depends on how well you and the other person communicate with each other. Some people call it “chemistry.” Others call it “being on the same wavelength” or “speaking the same language.” However you choose to think of it, remember this: Good communication is an essential part of successful interaction, whether with your colleagues or in your friendships. What is the essence of good communication? People want to feel understood. They want to feel comfortable. They want to feel respected. It is easy to forget that these three rules hold as true in work situations as they do in more personal relationships. How can you best make people feel understood, comfortable, and respected in the workplace? By adapting yourself to whatever hierarchy exists there and participating fully within the existing social framework. You can’t change your boss, but, if you approach him or her appropriately, in a way that makes your boss feel understood, comfortable, and respected, you can make yourself heard.

  Communication depends in part on the degree of intimacy in the relationship—on how well you and the other person know each other. In close relationships with romantic partners and good friends, a sense of acceptance is an essential component. Without it, no true sharing can take place, and the relationships you do have are not only likely to be unsatisfying but may even become filled with conflict if emotions are repressed. So a high level of intimacy is important. I remember discussing levels of intimacy with Brad, a client who came to me to talk about some problems he was having with his girlfriend of eight months. Brad, a white-collar government employee, came from a very different background from Justine, a hair stylist. Although he enjoyed spending time one-on-one with Justine, Brad had no interest in introducing her to his colleagues or other acquaintances. In talking with me, he admitted that though he found Justine sexy, and appreciated the time she took to make herself attractive to him, he worried that other people would see her as “flashy” or “trampy,” as he put it. Obviously, there was a measure of honesty missing from the relationship. Brad could tell there was a lack of intimacy—of true closeness and a sharing of feelings—but he stayed with it because, as he said, “It’s better than not having anyone to be with at all.”

  What I explained to Brad was that he seemed to be hanging on to this relationship in order to avoid the unknown, to avoid the lack of control he might encounter in another, new relationship. It was clear to me that Brad liked the control he had over Justine. She doted on him, making almost no demands of her own and conforming to his schedule and his desires without complaint. For Brad to end the relationship and move on to one in which both partners were equal would mean taking responsibility for sharing his feelings honestly and responding to the woman’s feelings as well. To get past his problems with Justine, Brad had to look closely at his expectations of the relationship, and then at his needs, in order to decide whether to stay and try to work things out, or to break it off in hopes of finding someone with whom he was more comfortable and could express himself on a more intimate level. In the end, he left.

  In any interaction, being able to gauge the comfort level is important. Assessing the other person’s comfort accurately means understanding the underlying boundaries inherent in any relationship. As you work to overcome your social anxiety and build a social network, you will begin to identify two basic categories of people you interact with:

  Acquaintances: These are the people we have contact with in the course of the day or week—neighbors whom we know “over the fence” or down the hall, shopkeepers we see frequently, classmates with whom we meet for a study group, co-workers we say hello to on the job, or might join for a coffee break or even an occasional lunch. With acquaintances, your conversation probably stays fairly light; you might talk about what you’re doing that day or you might discuss current events, but you wouldn’t get too personal or offer up the intimate details of your life.

  Friends: These are the people to whom you turn in bad times as well as good. You probably share some of the details of your lives—things that you are proud of, things that make you worry. A friend is someone you confide in, whom you could call with good news, or to discuss something that is bothering you. You see a friend fairly regularly if possible, or at least manage to stay in touch by telephone or letter.

  There aren’t strict boundaries when it comes to interacting, but it is important to be able to distinguish between acquaintances and friends. One is not better than the other, just different. As you follow this program, learning to overcome your anxiety and develop a social network, you will be able to pursue relationships more easily. In time, you will have both acquaintances and friends to share your time with.

  “But I prefer to be alone. Isn’t that okay?” you may ask. Yes, solitude is okay. Enjoying your own company is okay. In fact, it can be very valuable to be able to spend a certain amount of time alone, so long as you are content. Time alone, spent productively in relaxation or recreation, can heighten self-awareness. It is loneliness that is unhealthy.

  Jack was a nice-looking twenty-one-year-old college graduate whose parents asked him to come to me for individual therapy. Jack had no friends to spend time with, and his only social interaction was with family members. Yet somehow, despite his deep-rooted social anxiety, he was able to hold a job as a department store sales manager, working with others on a daily basis. Jack poured all his energy into work, and talked about almost nothing else during our first meetings. As he related tale after tale of his ability to get things done, it became clear that his involvement with work was so intense that it had caused more than a few personality conflicts on the job. He may have been respected, but he was not well liked. For several weeks after his parents contacted me, Jack resisted the idea of therapy, saying there was nothing wrong with him, that he liked his life just as it was.

  When he finally met with me, Jack expressed these same feelings. “I don’t need friends,” he said, and he seemed, on the surface, to believe that. “I am happy without them.” As we talked, Jack revealed that he had spent seven hours the previous day shopping for a Mother’s Day present. I remember thinking that it would be nice if Jack could put as much energy into a girlfriend. But in order to get him to see things my way—and admit that there were some social fears that had caused him to become overly dependent on his family relationships—I had to break through his initial denial of any desire for friendship or romance.

  As I said, loneliness is not healthy. And that is not just a figure of speech. Studies have in fact shown that loneliness can be dangerous to your health. A recent report from the Institute of Social Research at the University of Michigan indicates that being cut off from friends and family actually doubles a person’s chances of sickness and even death. A lack of social relationships in itself heightens a person’s susceptibility to illness. This study summarizes data gathered from research conducted in the United States, Finland, and Sweden during the past twenty years, drawing on interviews with some 37,000 people over periods of up to twelve years. Social isolation, the study concludes, “is as significant to mortality rates as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity, and lack of physical exercise. In fact, when age is adjusted for, social isolation is as great or greater a mortality risk than smoking.” This is bad news if you have a limited social life.

  Now for some good news: You do not have to be lonely. Does the Michigan study mean that we must constantly be surrounded by people to be well? No. As I said, there is nothing wrong with enjoying time by yourself. And after all, even people who have a very busy social life can suffer from bad health. Clearly, social relationships involve more than just being physically present with other people. Interacting involves negotiation and compromise. When we interact, it is because we want to share, we want to be understood, and we want to be accepted. The opposite of loneliness is a sense of belonging.

  PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

  If it is indeed human nature to seek social relationships, then why would someone choose not to socialize? As we di
scussed in the first chapter, fear is usually the motivating factor that causes people to avoid socializing. We fear failing, being rejected, being humiliated, being made to feel that we don’t belong. This fear is commonly referred to as performance anxiety. How does performance anxiety interfere with a fulfilling, productive life? When you fear being judged harshly by others, you may hesitate to take risks that could ultimately benefit you, whether personally (such as asking someone out) or professionally (applying for a new job). Norman, a fifty-year-old advertising executive, came to me to discuss just this problem. He had worked for the same firm for almost ten years, and found himself intimidated by some of the young people who had recently come on board. Although he had kept up with the computer design technology and trends in advertising, he felt somehow out of touch but was too embarrassed to approach any of the “new kids” and allow himself to learn from them. Nor would he talk with his more seasoned colleagues or his superiors about his concerns. He found that his feelings were interfering with his ability to contribute ideas in creative meetings, and that he had come to dislike going to work because he didn’t like the way being there made him feel about himself. Eventually, he quit his job, venturing out on his own to do, in his words, “a little consulting here and there.” In fact, he was what I’d call “semiretired.” His self-esteem suffered. His income suffered. His family life suffered. All because he was afraid of what his colleagues would think of him for wanting to learn a few things he felt he didn’t know.

  Norman tried to correct his negative self-image by avoiding the situation that caused it. But avoiding what we fear—staying away from social situations because we are unsure of how we will be perceived—is not the answer. As you explore ways to manage your anxiety, you will become more comfortable taking risks to get what you want: a healthy social life.

  Expectations are another factor that causes social anxiety. Sometimes, a person will place undue pressure on himself, setting expectations that are simply out of reach for his social skill level at the time. Two of my clients come to mind, both of whom let unrealistic expectations keep them from finding companionship at all.

  Charlie, twenty-five, was coming to me for individual therapy. He worked for a landscaping firm, and spent a lot of time alone, planting trees and shrubs on the job site. One of the things that struck me right away was that Charlie made little effort with his appearance. Although our evening sessions took place a few hours after Charlie got off work, he usually came in wearing his dirty work clothes and didn’t seem to have combed his hair since morning; he was not averse to going a day or two without shaving, either. One of the things he often talked about was his desire for female companionship. One afternoon, after a therapy session, I accompanied him down in the elevator to get a cup of coffee. As we walked out of the building, he pointed across the street. “There’s the kind of woman I want,” he said. “She’s hot.” He was referring to an attractive, sophisticated woman in her late twenties who was getting into a black sports car. I found myself thinking that Charlie was setting himself up for rejection. To have such high expectations when appropriate social behavior was still such a struggle for him would inevitably lead to the very disappointment and rejection he feared most.

  Unrealistic expectations can actually keep socially anxious people from seeking out relationships that are within their reach. A few years ago, as part of my friendship network program, I introduced two thirty-year-old baseball fans to each other for the purpose of friendship. Ben was attractive and athletic but possessed limited intellectual ability, and Jim was a bookish college graduate with a slight hearing problem. Neither one had any friends. The two attended a baseball game together, and both reported enjoying the evening. But Ben said he didn’t want to get together with Jim again. I questioned him further and the truth came out: He didn’t want to be seen with someone who wore a hearing aid.

  Appearances. Some people get so caught up in them that they actually let appearances perpetuate their loneliness, and keep them from having the friendships that they so desire. They let what other people think—or worse, what they think other people think—keep them from even making an initial foray into the social world. In order to set realistic social goals, it is essential that you hone your expectations down to what is realistic. Of course Charlie found that sophisticated young woman attractive; but to hold out for someone of her apparent social standing would mean forgoing the possibility of other, more attainable, relationships. For Ben, although he had no friends at all, association with someone who had a visible handicap, however manageable, made him fear that others would see him as handicapped. To act on this fear—a fear of being evaluated then dismissed by others—was to forgo a friendship that actually had some possibilities. In many instances, a preoccupation with appearances—unrealistic social expectations, impossible standards—can be the single largest barrier to a satisfying social life.

  When I talk about social expectations, I use the term “pecking order” to describe a kind of hierarchy of sociability that exists in the minds of the people who suffer social difficulties. Generally, people who are well adjusted aren’t giving much thought to that guy whose friend is wearing a hearing aid, or how that guy could date that unattractive woman. But people who fear judgment are inevitably far harsher judges of themselves than any outsider could ever be. And yet, at the same time, they deny that there is a problem in need of attention.

  In fact, denial can be the largest stumbling block in overcoming social anxiety. I see denial at every level. Those in deep denial make statements such as “I don’t want a social life.” Those whose denial is less ingrained make excuses such as “Sure, I’d like to socialize, but I’m too busy with work” or they say offhandedly, “I really prefer to spend time by myself.” But these comments may not tell the whole story. To deny the reality of the social situation is to ensure that the problem will go unaddressed. Denying that loneliness exists allows loneliness to remain. Denying that social anxiety exists can only mean that the anxiety will continue to control your life.

  Having worked with thousands of people whose social fears got in the way of their general health—emotional as well as physical—I have come to believe that the person whose denial is so severe that it results in perpetuating the social problem is sick. And the person who avoids social interaction solely out of fear is also sick. But this sickness is temporary—and entirely curable! All it takes—though this is a big “all”—is for the individual to stop denying, stop avoiding, and begin to take responsibility for his or her choices. Even those highly functioning individuals who feel that the quality of their relationships falls short of their ideal will find that abandoning their bad habit of denying their desire for intimacy and fulfillment will lead to the self-actualization they truly desire.

  In order to make reasonable progress toward a rewarding social life, you must set reasonable goals. You must keep your expectations in line with what is possible for you at the time. As you become more comfortable with your social self—by managing your anxiety, increasing your self-awareness, and developing your social skills—you will be able to expand your expectations accordingly.

  To reach these goals, it is essential to determine your degree of social anxiety, to understand the factors that have created it, and then take steps to correct it through anxiety management and social skills education. Socialization, as we have established in this chapter, is learned behavior, and learning takes practice.

  YOUR SOCIAL FUNCTIONING LEVEL

  In the previous chapter, you identified the ways in which your fears have kept you from socializing. Now, let’s examine the degree to which you are affected. Below, I have defined five different levels of social functioning. Use these as a general guideline for evaluating how well you manage your social interaction. At different times in your life, you may cope better or worse with your social fears, so you may recognize your capabilities in two or more of the lists. In any event, as you follow this program, you will be able to track your so
ciability by referring back to these lists and charting your progress. If you wish, jot down your thoughts on your functioning level in a notebook; make a note of the date, and then refer back to it later, adding any changes in functioning level or self-image.

  Level 5—Fully functioning

  Seldom feels social anxiety; does not avoid social interaction.

  Seeks social relationships; is comfortable with strangers; looks forward to meeting new people.

  Often initiates social events; is frequently invited to socialize.

  Member of clubs or organizations; can take leadership role.

  Comfortable asking favors, volunteering to help.

  Aware of physical appearance, but comfortable and not overly concerned with it.

  Level 4—Highly functioning

  Is aware of social anxiety, but able to manage when interacting, without thought patterns interfering.

  Has several close friends, plus larger circle of acquaintances developed from different areas of life—-workplace, neighborhood, club memberships.

  Occasionally initiates social events; usually responds to social invitations.

  Seeks friendships and pursues dating relationships.

  Performs well on the job, and can handle well-defined social interactions with ease.

  Can overcome anxiety most of the time; aware of it, but in control of it.

  Able to ask favors, offer to help.

  Level 3—Functioning

  Feels a significant degree of social anxiety; will sometimes cancel social plans because of anxiety.

  Has a few close friends, several acquaintances.